Or How I spent My Morning with the Cardiologist
So I go to the doctors get weighed in, ( which is traumatic, to say the least) get injected with some nuclear medicine (which is how I suspect they dispose of nuclear waste) and am told to sit in a waiting room for the dye to kick in. There is an 81 year old man already there. I know he's 81 because he tells me right off the bat and then he wants to know if I am going to molest him. I say no. He wants to know why not. I threaten to poke him with my knitting needle. He wants to know if I will knit him a hat to keep the hair out of his eye. (He has no hair). I have three more hours of this. Oy vey!
I show his daughter how how to pick up a dropped a stitch with a crochet hook. She is utterly amazed and now I feel like fucking Hoodini!
I go and have pictures of my heart in a stationary position and fall asleep.
Go back and the old dude wants to know if I brought beer! I’m telling you I have some kind of radar for the eccentric. He goes on to tell me he hasn’t had a drink or a smoke in over 35 years. I, on the other hand, am now considering taking it up. At least that way, if the doctor find something wrong I have something other than knitting, sex or food to give up. Wow! I just realized on my priority list knitting came first. No pun intended.
The doctor arrives and I am forced to walk on the treadmill. I have never walked that far on my horse let alone on foot. Two minutes into the test the doctor looks at the sheet that the computer is spitting out and he says OH MY GOD! I stopped walking and damn near fell over as the treadmill was still going and said what? He says to me, “we still have 45 minutes to go on this test.” “That is so not cool,” I said. "You don't look at a patients report and say OH MY GOD!" He then grabs the monitor and very loudly yells, “OH MY GOD! DIAL 9-1-1”. About 10 seconds later a nurse was at the door and we would have been struck dead if looks could kill.
I am now walking as if I were in hot pursuit of a yarn sale and the doctor says “Does your chest hurt?” I reply “No, but my fucking legs are killing me.” He looks at his young assistant, who has been taking notes as the doctor calls them out and says, “put on her report HER FUCKING LEGS ARE KILLING HER! Okay read that back to me” I though the kid was going to die. I’m cracking up on the treadmill, which I don’t recommend by the way, because I know I cuss a lot, but I hadn’t realized I had cussed until the doctor repeated what I said. The doctor then sees my knitting and asks if I want the knitting simulator. Great, my cardiologist the comedian. Maybe he's a long lost nephew of Groucho.
I finish up and go rest and then get more picture taken of my heart and apparently I fell asleep because I woke myself up snoring.
I just hope that was the only noise coming from my body.
7 comments:
Yes you do have that magnatism for the strange. Was this an annual checkup or was there a reason you were on the treadmill? How is our jaw?
LOL
ugh, old people and their schtick... next time tell them vaudeville died years ago.
Cheryl: I had a irregular EKG and my left arm has been going numb. My mom had her first heart attack at 55, but I'm pretty sure it's the bone spurs in my neck causing the numbness now.
Holy crap!! I have just tuned in from being gone for forever. Why do I not know any of this? I was out of the state but not off the planet. Miss Becky you have some explaining to do. Are you ok?
why didn't you tell me you were having tests done? I'm calling you tomorrow.
Why do the funniest things happen to you? Maybe you have a knack for seeing the humorous side of life...even when you're getting pics of your heart taken and walking on a treadmill. Hope the heart pics come out okay, and I hope to be at Thursday night now that the family clan visit has come to an end.
I'm fine.
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