Conversations with Mother

Mother has me on a mission. I am to find out if a last name would (statistically) last longer if children were given their mothers' last name instead of their fathers'. She has four daughters and one son. Her father had daughters, etc. How I am to accomplish this I have no idea. But it makes no sense to her why we get our fathers name when we ony know for sure who are mother is.

She reminded me today (again) that I am to take her to the eye doctor ON APRIL 13TH. She has also requested a copy of Roosevelt’s “Day of Infamy” speech. She thinks George has lifted something from the Roosevelt speech. Who sits and thinks up this shit? My mother, that’s who. And religion needs to be abolished, she has informed me, if we are ever to have peace in this world. It used to be, “We won’t have peace until the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world.” Now she’s changed her mind. Just like cremation! First, she wanted a casket and a traditional plot. Then she wanted to be cremated and encapsulated like Carl Sagan. And now she’s pondering cremation and then being scattered at sea. And she’s afraid of water, but she read somewhere about a scientist and genomics on the Sargasso Sea.

Okay, I found the article, but I still have no idea what it means or why it has her all cranked up. Oh, and speaking of crank, don't get her going on the neighbors who are apparently "tweeking" again and moving furniture at all hours of the night. They're not doing so hot , but thankfully she is still evolving.

I use to get annoyed when she would ask me to do these things for her. It was like homework, but now I see she is still teaching me. At 78 she still wants to know stuff just for the sake of knowing. And she has such discipline. She won't eat breakfast until she does the Times crossword puzzle. Have you seen that thing on a Friday? Her only fears are midgets and antiques.

I want to be just like her when I grow up.