Public Displays of Candor

I spent today at the WCAB ON MY FREAKIN DAY OFF! Why, you ask? Because I was served a subpoena that stated I was to be there at 8:30 AM so, naturally, I was there at 8:15 AM not wanting to be late, which would be rude and the freakin judge moseys in at 10:30AM!

Don't ask me why, but I just can't take a man wearing a robe seriously.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. So we're waiting on the judge and there were at least 5 lawyers and several witness and out of all these people this laywer named Jimmy Page (I'm not making this up) starts telling me about his days as a roadie for The Doors. He told me about the first of many times he dropped acid. It was legal at the time, he pointed out, and it was on a sugar cube. He told me he got concerned when he saw a blue light bulb come out of his head. He also told me that Jim Morrison has been reincarnated as a cat that has been seen sleeping on Jim Morrison's headstone.

Your Honor? May I be dismissed?

He told me about the time Grace Slick kicked his ass and she drives a white VW Rabbit with Grace on the license plate. This happens to me all the time (these displays of candor by perfect strangers) and I don't mind them, but it seems that others around me are alarmed or at the very least uncomfortable by these displays of public candor. I don't know if they think I'm uncomfortable or what. Maybe it's my aura or perhaps I look like a nut and that is what draws them to me. Oh, and speaking of nuts, he also told me that his aunt, who was mentally ill, was let out of a Mental Institute in the LA area and was given a one way bus ticket to Vegas during the Reagan Adminstration! Can you believe that shit? They sent her to VEGAS? And her family, in California, then had to retrieve her. Does anyone know if this is factual? If so, I'm pissed. I made my horse stand in the hot sun to watch his funeral procession go by and I would not have done so had I known he let mentally ill people go to Sin City. I mean, a field trip would be okay, but dumping them in the desert is not cool.

So, like I said, the judge shows up at 10:30 just in time to ask a few questions, let everybody introduce themselves, get settled and the next thing you know we're breaking for recess. I thought, "Cool! Who wants to play Dodge Ball?"

We went to TGIF's and our lawyer sprang for lunch which was, to quote Laura, "Sweet". Our lawyer, who was previously dumbfounded by Jimmy Page's public display then went on to tell me she is a Hindu and her son just married a women who practices jainism. Which, for some reason, made me not feel guilty after I had ordered the Jack Daniels Burger, being she was Hindu and all.

So, we got back from lunch where we waited on the judge again and I overheard the damndest things. These laywers were discussing the new language on amputations. Amputations? My ears picked up, as I've been honing my eavesdropping skils at Mimi's on a regular basis. Apparently, it's not a limb anymore. It's a bone fragment. Tissue removed by means of microscopic/orthoscopic surgery. One lawyer said her client had a cyst removed and according to the new language THAT was considered an amputation. At that point, I interrupted and pointed out that by their definition I had performed an amputation on myself when I removed an unsightly blackhead and then I added that I was going to have to look up some morticians for some uplifting conversation. Lawyers for the applicant are a gruesome lot.

Then they discussed that four year old who was tackled by a football player and what kind of lawsuit would come out of it. It was a pretty disgusting display. Where's a sugar cube when you need it? Again, I had to speak my mind and state that at some point people need to take responsibility for their own actions and suck it up.

It was like blasphemy.

Eventually I was sworn in and was questioned and the applicants attorney didn't even cross examine me! What the fuck? That just can't be good.

Oh, and I was KIP'ing (knitting in public) the whole time and I gave the name of our LYS to two lawyers who I did not observe drooling over potential football lawsuits and amputations.